Chick-fil-a Vs. Facebook Vs. Free Speech

I saw a post earlier on facebook that claimed that people should support Chick-fil-a since facebook apparently banned any page that was in support of the chicken company.

Now, this may not actually be the case, but in the event that it was, I have to wonder where the outcry for injustice needs to be.

On one hand, facebook provides a service just like a restaurant--and as far as my knowledge goes, restaurants aren't legally able to refuse service to someone just because of race, ethnicity, gender, creed, or sexuality.

...shouldn't a company like facebook also be legally obligated to this right of service?

Also, this begs the question: where the f*ck do you find the evidence of this!? (re: facebook shutting down a fan-page because of their beliefs)

In any case, I don't support shit-fil-a, but I'll be god damned if someone is going to be censored because of their beliefs.

They have every right to express their opinions just as much as we do to deny them our business.

BECAUSE AMERICA.

Tongue + Cheek Nine

Once upon a time:



I was a masochist who twisted balloon animals at a Mexican restaurant.



Dicks. Everyone was, and everywhere there were: dicks.



Half the parents of the kids I serviced were dicks.



The staff would ask me to make them dick balloons.



And my supervisor was a dick. Consequently, he told me that protocol was to ask everyone if they wanted a balloon.





One night, after I had exhausted my usual clientele, I made my way to the bar...



I asked a woman if she cared for a balloon.



She replied that if she cared "for one god damn thing, it'd be for you to get me the $10,000 my no-good, fucking, piece of shit ex-husband owes me," or "if you can give me BACK the 10 god damn, fucking years he stole from me! So can you get me that? Huh?!"



I said, "No, but I think I understand..."



I quickly whipped up a Red Dick & Balls, tied it so I could separate the testes, and put them in both hands.



I held up the Dick.



"You didn't get enough of this."



I held up the Balls.



"So you wanted some of these."



I popped both of them and threw it in her third, empty, margarita glass.



"And THAT. Is your vagina."

Tongue and Cheek Eight

The parents of Timothy McSteenwahl awoke this morning to tragedy: their son was found dead on top of his bed. An apparent suicide.



Resting in the most delicate of positions atop Timothy's peaceful corpse was a single slip of paper. It was folded neatly and intentionally, with utmost care. Not only that, but this precarious sheet had been regally sealed with what appeared to be a wax seal of his family's coat of arms.



Timothy's mother had approached the dead boy in great trepidation. Her hand shook violently as she reached for the slip of paper. The mother and father looked at each other anxiously as they held the thing up-- knowing that the note probably contained a wonderment of angst and gruesome detail as to why their precious son would take his own life.



The parents tenderly pried off the wax seal and brushed away all remnants of it. Gingerly, they pulled the paper open to reveal a single, terrible, amalgam of words that so poignantly epitomized the tragedy and anger of the boy's life:



"Rage Quit!"

Tongue-n-Cheek Seven

A solicitor came up to me the other day.

He asked me if I would care to buy any magazines and, if not, whether or not I'd like to just donate some reading material to children in hospitals.

I cocked my head, and said, "Sure. I'd like to donate Life magazine if you have it. Just so they know about everything that they're going to miss once they die."

Tongue'n'Cheek Six

Me and Billy Mays hung out one time before he died.

We went out to visit some friends and family downtown and right as the night was ending he suggested to me that we go, "Check out some of those fucking WHORES?!?!!?"

I told him sure.

Billy had a crazed look in his eye, one that couldn't be satiated.

Seeing this, I knew immediately what I had to do...

Later that night, I walked Billy around the Red Light District and picked up a couple of "Fucking WHORES?!?!!!" for him and immediately began to party right there in middle of the street.

Billy Mays doesn't fuck around when he parties.

So, as we were celebrating the night, Billy bit off one of the Prostitutes' tongues. Then, danced the consequential celebratory dance afterward. But not too long after, Billy freaked out realizing just what we had done.

"OH JESUS, MIKE!"

And Billy and I knew... We didn't have enough Mighty Mend-It in the world to fix this.

Tongue and Cheek Five

On the weekdays, whenever I'm home from school, I'll get Christians coming up to my door.

They ask me if I've found Jesus yet.

I tell them, "Why, yes, I have. Would you like to see him?"

They look at me, perplexed, and then just accept it.


...


So I lead them to my garage.

Chained up on the floor, in a gimp's outfit, is Jesús.

I unzip his mask and tell him to say his prayers.

He does.

And then I tell them that it's okay. Because we only yell "God's Name" every day for at LEAST 4 hours.

And that I love Jesús and Jesús loves everyone else because he's a dirty little slut.

Tongue and Cheek 4

What I do on weekends:


I like to give exercise tutorials to the morbidly obese at the gym.

I set up my room with all of the amenities: Exercise balls, free weights, benches, treadmills, etc.

Once I see all of their faces settled in, I announce to the room:

"Hello all you morbidly obese fat suns-a-bitches."

They turn their heads. Slowly.

And then catch their breath.

I hold up a fork.

I drop the fork.

"Y- you guys get it?"

There is a cold silence.

I have no fear of being chased by them.