Tongue + Cheek Nine

Once upon a time:



I was a masochist who twisted balloon animals at a Mexican restaurant.



Dicks. Everyone was, and everywhere there were: dicks.



Half the parents of the kids I serviced were dicks.



The staff would ask me to make them dick balloons.



And my supervisor was a dick. Consequently, he told me that protocol was to ask everyone if they wanted a balloon.





One night, after I had exhausted my usual clientele, I made my way to the bar...



I asked a woman if she cared for a balloon.



She replied that if she cared "for one god damn thing, it'd be for you to get me the $10,000 my no-good, fucking, piece of shit ex-husband owes me," or "if you can give me BACK the 10 god damn, fucking years he stole from me! So can you get me that? Huh?!"



I said, "No, but I think I understand..."



I quickly whipped up a Red Dick & Balls, tied it so I could separate the testes, and put them in both hands.



I held up the Dick.



"You didn't get enough of this."



I held up the Balls.



"So you wanted some of these."



I popped both of them and threw it in her third, empty, margarita glass.



"And THAT. Is your vagina."

Tongue and Cheek Eight

The parents of Timothy McSteenwahl awoke this morning to tragedy: their son was found dead on top of his bed. An apparent suicide.



Resting in the most delicate of positions atop Timothy's peaceful corpse was a single slip of paper. It was folded neatly and intentionally, with utmost care. Not only that, but this precarious sheet had been regally sealed with what appeared to be a wax seal of his family's coat of arms.



Timothy's mother had approached the dead boy in great trepidation. Her hand shook violently as she reached for the slip of paper. The mother and father looked at each other anxiously as they held the thing up-- knowing that the note probably contained a wonderment of angst and gruesome detail as to why their precious son would take his own life.



The parents tenderly pried off the wax seal and brushed away all remnants of it. Gingerly, they pulled the paper open to reveal a single, terrible, amalgam of words that so poignantly epitomized the tragedy and anger of the boy's life:



"Rage Quit!"

Tongue-n-Cheek Seven

A solicitor came up to me the other day.

He asked me if I would care to buy any magazines and, if not, whether or not I'd like to just donate some reading material to children in hospitals.

I cocked my head, and said, "Sure. I'd like to donate Life magazine if you have it. Just so they know about everything that they're going to miss once they die."

Tongue'n'Cheek Six

Me and Billy Mays hung out one time before he died.

We went out to visit some friends and family downtown and right as the night was ending he suggested to me that we go, "Check out some of those fucking WHORES?!?!!?"

I told him sure.

Billy had a crazed look in his eye, one that couldn't be satiated.

Seeing this, I knew immediately what I had to do...

Later that night, I walked Billy around the Red Light District and picked up a couple of "Fucking WHORES?!?!!!" for him and immediately began to party right there in middle of the street.

Billy Mays doesn't fuck around when he parties.

So, as we were celebrating the night, Billy bit off one of the Prostitutes' tongues. Then, danced the consequential celebratory dance afterward. But not too long after, Billy freaked out realizing just what we had done.

"OH JESUS, MIKE!"

And Billy and I knew... We didn't have enough Mighty Mend-It in the world to fix this.

Tongue and Cheek Five

On the weekdays, whenever I'm home from school, I'll get Christians coming up to my door.

They ask me if I've found Jesus yet.

I tell them, "Why, yes, I have. Would you like to see him?"

They look at me, perplexed, and then just accept it.


...


So I lead them to my garage.

Chained up on the floor, in a gimp's outfit, is Jesús.

I unzip his mask and tell him to say his prayers.

He does.

And then I tell them that it's okay. Because we only yell "God's Name" every day for at LEAST 4 hours.

And that I love Jesús and Jesús loves everyone else because he's a dirty little slut.

Tongue and Cheek 4

What I do on weekends:


I like to give exercise tutorials to the morbidly obese at the gym.

I set up my room with all of the amenities: Exercise balls, free weights, benches, treadmills, etc.

Once I see all of their faces settled in, I announce to the room:

"Hello all you morbidly obese fat suns-a-bitches."

They turn their heads. Slowly.

And then catch their breath.

I hold up a fork.

I drop the fork.

"Y- you guys get it?"

There is a cold silence.

I have no fear of being chased by them.

Tongue and Cheek Three

What I do for fun:


Just for kicks-- I'll see handicapped people pass me by on campus.


I ask them, "What's that like, not having legs?"


They give me a dirty look.


I tell them, "Well, it isn't that often that I get to talk to someone like you- one who doesn't have legs."


They tell me to fuck off.


I simply ask, "Well, what are you gonna do? Kick my ass?"

Tongue'N'Cheek 2

I'd like to hang out with Larry, The Cable Guy.

We'd smoke pot all day and work on getting my friends free AT&T U-Verse.

He and I would watch Shaun of the Dead and discuss zombie killing strategies.

Larry would tell me, "Well, shiiit, Mike, I recon that we ought-ta get goin' to te dinner!"

After to going to Golden Corral for dinner I'd take him back to my house for a night cap.

We'd watch and make fun of Komodo Vs. Cobra and fall asleep in each others' arms....

Then next day I'd be like, What are you getting done today?

"W- well, y-- Ye know."

I'd be like, No, what?

"Er"

G- get her? Are you in the process of raping someone, Lar?

"N- nah man, what in de hell -i- yer problem? It's mah got-dang catch phrase 'git-R-done'--
Ye know, 'RRRR'?"

RRRR?!

So I'd jump on his leg, rip it off, use the bone to gouge out one of his eyeballs, wrangle a disheveled parrot onto his shoulder, and send him to Somalia like the dirty goddamn pirate he is.

Tongue and Cheek

Who I Would Hang Out With All the Time if I had the Chance:

Hitler.

Me and Hitler would go around all day, knocking over mail boxes, eating ice cream, and laughing at Judd Apatow films.

I would sit Hitler down, and force him to watch every single episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld.


If Larry David had been born way earlier to make Hitler laugh....

then there would not have been a Holocaust.

Hitler would say, "Michael vat is DEES?!"

And I'd be like, Hitler- Dude- watch this....

And then I'd give him medicine for his syphilis

And then I'd listen to Pagliacci with him.

And then I'd be like, Hey, Adolf-

"Vat?"

Jack boots off of the table, man.

"Michael, zhey are not dirty, vat iz the problem?"

I- it's the principle of the matter, man.

"Vell, I just zhink--

Dude, g- jus- just get them off of the table

And then he'd call me a table Nazi.